General Silliness
Three seconds to live!
Three Knots
submitted by Web Teetzel
Jonah, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?? "
The prostitute replies, "Well Jonah, old sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"Three knots?" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean??"
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."
Gone Fishin'
submitted by Cameron Cairncross
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
FIRST GUY: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."
SECOND GUY: "That is nothing. I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
THIRD GUY: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I would remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?
FOURTH GUY: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear a sweater."
"...there is nothing -- absolutely nothing -- half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats....or with boats....In or out of 'em, it doesn't matter. Nothing seems really to matter, that's the charm of it. Whether you get away, or whether you don't; whether you arrive at your destination or whether you reach somewhere else, or whether you never get anywhere at all, you're always busy, and you never do anything in particular; and when you've done it there's always something else to do, and you can do it if you like, but you'd much rather not."
- Kenneth Grahame, The Wind in the Willows
Some things have to be seen to be believed! Check out this photo series of one lucky tugboat! - submitted by Lee Varseveld
Every day, somewhere in the world, people are observing some national or international day. Do you know what today is, or tomorrow, or yesterday? Check and see!
Have you ever wondered what day of the week you were born on?
Walking on Water?
A minister, a priest and a rabbi are coming to the end of a long day's fishing. When they go to start their boat engine, it won't start, no matter what they do. Since they are out in the middle of a huge lake with no shore or other fishermen in sight, they decide one of them should go for help. The minister volunteers to go. He steps out of the boat and walks across the water, heading north. The priest and the rabbi just look at each other, somewhat surprised. About one hour later, the minister returns, and says he could not find help or shore. So he suggests that one of the others should head off in a different direction for help. So, the priest volunteers. He steps out of the boat and walks across the water, heading south. About 1 & 1/2 hours later, he returns, also without finding any help. So, the rabbi says since both the minister and the priest have already tried for help, it is now his turn. So, he steps out of the boat and sinks directly to the bottom, and begins to bob up and down in the water. The minister looks at the priest and says..."Do you think we should tell him about the submerged stumps?"
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Boater's Blessing Then.... & Then This!
A Boater's Blessing from Yesterday:
May there always be water under your boat,
May she always be seaworthy, ever afloat,
May the bilge pump be certain to work night and day,
May the compass and charts always show the safe way,
May you find gentle harbor as every day ends,
May you lower your anchor amidst peace and good friends.
A Boater's Blessing Today According to AVYC Member Steve Madden:
May your outdrive be saved after hitting that rock,
May your bow be rebuilt after ramming that dock,
May you find that new Rolex that fell overboard,
May your neighbor quit stealing your slip's power cord,
May FeBreeze mask that musty smell under your berth,
May you someday owe less than the damn boat is worth.Found on MyBoatClub.com
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. - Woody Allen
Boating incidents derived from the pages of the Darwin Awards
Dynamite and Boats Don't Mix
1998 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(16 June 1998, Illinois) A man drowned in Fox Lake after he and a friend inadvertently blasted a hole in the bottom of their rowboat with a quarter stick of dynamite. Daniel, twenty-nine, and his unidentified friend were relaxing on the lake on Sunday in a fourteen-foot aluminum boat, when they decided to toss the M-250 explosive into the water. They intended to kill fish with the blast, not themselves, said chief deputy coroner Jim Wipper. A sudden gust of wind pushed their boat over the firecracker, and the boat sank about a hundred yards from shore. Daniel drowned; the friend swam safely to land.
DarwinAwards.com © 1994 - 2001
Reference: AP, San Francisco Examiner
Duct Tape
2000 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(24 April 2000, Oregon) A misplaced faith in the miracle of duct tape led to the demise of a man boating on the Columbia River on Monday evening.
Duct tape has a reputation for fixing any problem. Steven and a friend were fishing in a 12-foot aluminum boat held together with multiple duct tape repairs, including the motor mount. Suddenly they encountered rough water and Steven stood up in the boat.
The vessel, rated to hold 200 pounds, capsized and tossed the two men and their 640 pounds of equipment into the water.
The US Coast Guard rescued the surviving companion on Tuesday morning, but Steven was not so lucky. He was found dead in an ill-fitting life jacket. Perhaps if he had duct taped it in place, he would still be sailing the river in his rickety dinghy, instead of holding a Darwin Award.
DarwinAwards.com © 1994 - 2001
Reference: Liz Wood, Staff Writer, and KOIN 6 News
Loch Ness Monster
1999 Honorable Mention
Unconfirmed by Darwin
(June 1999, California) Last summer down on Lake Isabella, in the high desert east of Bakersfield, a woman was having trouble with her boat.
No matter how she tried, she just couldn't get her new 22-foot Bayliner to perform. It was sluggish in every maneuver, regardless of the power applied. She tried for an hour to make her boat go, but finally gave up and putted over to a nearby Marina for help.
A topside check revealed that everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outboard motor pivoted up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.
One of the Marina guys jumped in the water to check beneath the boat. He came up almost choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
DarwinAwards.com © 1994 - 2001
Reference: www.desnews.com (Deseret News Online), Associated Press
Tide-ally Impaired
1999 Personal Account
(July 1999, Alaska) This event happened in my hometown, a small logging village in Alaska. The man in this particular story is a born-again Christian, and lives on a farm. Names are omitted because I'll have to see him again.
It seems that this is a man who hadn't noticed in all his years of living next to the port that the tide went IN and OUT. Not realizing this, he tied his row boat fast to a stationary object far out of reach, so that kid's couldn't steal it and "joy ride" the thing around.
Predictably, the tide went out, the boat dangled for a time, the tide came in, and its binding sank the boat.
The man naturally wanted to retrieve his boat, so he donned a bright orange lifesuit, borrowed a neighbor's skiff and puttered out to his "anchorage." Then he attempted to dive for his precious rowboat. He didn't count on the buoyancy of the lifesuit. Utterly frustrated by this time, he brought the skiff back to shore, and placed TWO LARGE ROCKS in the skiff. Then he returned to the site of his submerged treasure, tied the rocks to his waist, and jumped, apparently planning on cutting the ropes when he got hold of his boat.
While sinking down, he realized that he had forgotten his knife on the boat, and was about to meet his watery demise.
Luckily for him, and unluckily for us, by this time he had amassed an audience of five men, who were so astonished at his stupidity they weren't even sure what to do at first. They rescued him and he sold the boat.DarwinAwards.com © 1994 - 2001
The Boating Secret
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious.
Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and showed the paper to the others.
Four words were printed on the page; two lines with two words each:
Port Left
Starboard Right
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
Bits and pieces lifted from the Lighter Side of Boating AKA Strange But True web site
This is the transcript on an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10 - 10 - 95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES` ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT`S ONE - FIVE DEGREES NORTH. OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Powerboat Operator's Manual
1.Place boat into water. Your new boat will not run properly unless it is in the water.
2.Fill gas tank with gas. Your new powerboat likes gas and will not run properly unless it has lots of gas.
3.Lower drive unit into water. The drive unit has a thing on it that looks like a fan; it is called a propeller and it has to be in the water or the boat will not run properly.
4.Start engine
5.Make sure engine has oil in it, this should actually be done before item #4, but it is close enough so you can see this while you are reading that. (we can't change the order of items because this has already been sent to the printer)
6.Put boat into gear, there are two gears because boats like yours can go both forward and reverse. Reverse gear is especially useful when removing your boat from sandbars and rocks.
7.Apply power. This is accomplished by moving the throttle lever forward. If that fan thing is in the water, your boat will start to move; unless of course, it is still tied to the dock. If your boat is tied to the dock, now is a good time to untie it. There is usually more than one line securing the boat to the dock, so make sure you get them all.
8.Apply power again, boat should be moving. If the boat does not move, check that fan thing and see if your dock line is wrapped around it. This sometimes happens when you untie your boat and forget to coil the lines in neat circles on the deck.
9.Congratulations! You are underway. Now would be a good time to turn the boat around, go back and get all the things that blew overboard (if they are still floating.) Moving boats have a problem with candy wrappers, empty beer cans, life jackets and clothing being blown out of the boat by the breeze.
10.After warming the boat up, stop by the marina and get some gas, your new powerboat likes lots of gas. There will be a long line of boats just like yours waiting to get gas, so you might want to open the cooler for a snack.
11.Fueling. This is a critical step for new boat owners, precautions must be taken to avoid blowing up your boat, blowing up the marina, killing yourself and those around you. The specific fueling procedure is as follows:
Wait until your turn to fuel before moving up to the dock, other boat owners tend to get upset if you bump into them while they are fueling
When the fuel pump is free, slowly move your boat up to the dock.
Tie your boat securely when you are positioned at the pump, failing to tie up can result in you blowing up your boat, blowing up the marina, killing yourself and those around you.
You must now ground your boat to both the gas pump and the underwater grounding rod placed at the dock, failing to do so can result in blowing up your boat, blowing up the marina, killing yourself and those around you.
Fill your boat with gas. Your new powerboat likes lots of gas, so this may take awhile. You can use the time to go to the bathroom, as peeing overboard is generally frowned upon in the powerboating community and anything else will make you the *butt* of jokes back at the marina.
After coming out of the bathroom (seagoing folks call it a "head"), you will undoubtedly encounter several irate boaters, those behind you, stating in so many words that this is a fuel pump and you should not be parked here to use the head (bathroom).
Before starting your new powerboat again, be sure to turn on your bilge blower. This is a device used to clear your engine compartment of the fumes caused by all the half-eaten sandwiches and candy bars your kids threw in there. It also clears out any gas fumes, so run it for a good 10 minutes even though those waiting in line behind you are threatening bodily harm. Remember, failing to run the bilge blower can result in blowing up your boat, blowing up the marina, killing yourself and those around you.
After you are sure the fumes have safely been exhausted, start your engine, make sure that fan thing is in the water, and put the boat into gear.
Now would be a good time to remove all the grounding straps and mooring lines; that's why your boat isn't going anywhere.
When pulling away from the gas pump, it is courteous to go slowly. Leave in the same direction you entered, provided there is no dock or shore prohibiting you from doing so. When you are about 50 feet from the dock, you can safely turn around and push the throttle forward as far as it will go. The boaters who were behind you are now trying to fuel and the wake you just caused is what they are yelling about this time.
12.No Wake Zone. You may see signs posted stating that you are in a no wake zone. This means that people in the area may be sleeping and you should not wake them up by playing your stereo loudly or by yelling to other boaters.
13.Navigation. Simply stated, navigation is nothing more than getting to where you want to go. Your new powerboat is not designed for navigation, otherwise it would have come equipped with a compass and other navigational aids, just like a sailboat. You can add these items if you like, but your boat still can not be navigated like a real boat, as it was designed more like a car for just driving around, only on the water. The best method of navigation is to look around, see something you want to go to, then point your boat at it. Try to avoid running into things like other boats and submerged rocks, better yet buy a chart or ask somebody who has one if you can look at theirs and write down anything you might run into.
14.Anchoring. Your new powerboat comes equipped with an anchor and enough anchor line to reach almost to the bottom of where you want to anchor. The standard anchor included with your new boat will not stop your boat from being blown into the rocks or shipping channels when you run out of gas, but will definitely slow it down so you have time to think about what to do next. The procedure for anchoring is quite simple, just toss the anchor over the side and wait for it to start dragging on the bottom of the lake. Before you drop the anchor, you might want to make sure your anchor line is tied to the anchor and the other end is tied to the boat, this will enable you to get the anchor back when you are done using it.
15.Securing your boat. After a fun day of boating and fueling, you want to make sure your boat is ready for the next time out. Proper mooring will ensure that your boat remains where you left it. Your boat comes equipped with mooring cleats; these are decorative items and should not be used for tying your boat to the dock. Wave and wind action create tremendous stress on your boat, so proper mooring will prevent damage. The first line should be run from the stern (back end) of the boat to the dock. Tie the line around something strong, like the propeller. The propeller is made of metal and will not break, so it is a good place to attach the line. Another line should run from the dock to the steering wheel or the throttle; either one is easy to reach. Disconnect the bilge pump so it will not run down your battery. If you anticipate a lot of rain, you can always call somebody to hook it back up. The major advantage to using a marina is that if your boat sinks, it doesn't go very far down, so rain is not a significant factor.
Dear Banks and/or Credit Unions to whom I owe money,
I have started down that slippery slope to bankruptcy and thought you might appreciate it if I gave you plenty of advance notice. Granted, this may not happen for quite a while, but I didn’t want it to be a complete surprise for you when it does.
You see, I have recently taken the first step toward insolvency, according to many financial experts. Yes, that’s right. Despite knowing full well what the future consequences were, I (actually, it’s "we", since my wife will be penniless also) recently went out and bought a boat. This news is certain to cause the people in your collections department to adorn my file with those large red flags that you people like to use to denote probable future deadbeats. I understand. You have rules that you have to follow.
Although it probably has no bearing on your view of our financial future as being quite dismal, I thought you might like to know that we only bought a small boat. A used one. One that was well within our budget. Oh, I know, you’re going to say that it doesn’t matter how sensibly the addiction begins. You’re going to tell me that once it has taken hold there is little, if any, treatment. You’ll warn me that the insidious cravings worsen with each season until the guy who started out with a small pontoon boat wakes up one day in the master stateroom of his custom built eighty-eight foot Motor Yacht and realizes that he is in way over his head (no pun intended). Then he has no choice but to bail out, so to speak, of his financial obligations. It happens all the time, you say.
Well, perhaps it’s "pier" pressure (a little marine humor there) that causes otherwise sane people to immediately start planning the purchase of a larger boat the same day they take delivery of their new one. All it takes is for some so-called "friend" to float by in a rig that’s 5 feet longer and several knots faster, saying, "Hey, man, this is good stuff, ya wanna try it?" They give it a try and the next thing you know, they’re visiting boat dealerships, hanging pictures of the bigger boat on their refrigerator door and listing their 3 week old boat in the Boat Trader. Tragically, they’re hooked. Another classic example, you say, of the need for a "Just Say No" campaign on our nation’s lakes and waterways.
Maybe you’re right. After all, you guys are the experts. You’re the ones who are left holding the bag by those who succumb to the seduction of a first boat and then rapidly go financially downstream after that. You’re the people who try to intervene by referring debtors to Boaters Anonymous 12-step meetings. (The reason those meetings don’t work, by the way, is that whenever someone mentions "higher power", everybody else runs out to buy bigger boat motors.) You’re the originators of the saying, "Not everyone who owns a boat goes bankrupt, but everyone who goes bankrupt owns a boat." Of course, you’re also the people collecting incredible amounts of interest from all of those overextended boaters, but that’s not the point here.
So, dear creditors, now you know. It’s probably only a matter of time until our boat payment dwarfs our mortgage payment; until we’re raiding the kids’ college funds to cover the slip rental at the marina; until we’re found siphoning fuel from neighboring boats because our gas cards are maxed out.
But, until that time comes, you can breathe a sigh of relief with every check we send you (after it clears, of course). Who knows, maybe we’ll even be one of the few who beat the odds by enjoying boating while remaining fiscally sound. (Is that snickering I hear?)
Okay, I feel much better now that I’ve given you this advance notice. If anything else comes up that I think you should know, I’ll be back in touch. In the mean time, if you turn down any loan applications because the people are trying to buy too much boat, ask them if they’d be interested in a 5 year old, 30 foot houseboat. You see, we have our eye on this new 40 footer and if we can sell our current boat, then...well, never mind. There are some things you probably don’t need to know.
Sincerely,
Your humble debtor
Things I think about at 4am:
1. I can crawl across the pitching deck with the best of them.
2. Never believe anyone who says that they never get seasick.
3. Navigation is what you do when the GPS is dead.
4. Rules of the Road don't apply during Fiesta weekend.
5. Fishermen make up their own rules.
6. Nothing applies during Fiesta weekend.
7. The Coast Guard really doesn't want to hear your "funny little story" of how the EPIRB fell off and went missing.
8. The Coast Guard has no sense of humor.
9. Radar is the opposite of PacMan. The idea is to keep your blip from gobbling up other blips.
10. Bad boating experiences often begin with questions such as: What's that smell?; What's that noise?; Where is this water coming from?
11. It's not really a good idea to drink Magaritas on deck while disabled tied to an aton and waiting for the Coast Guard.
12. The words "Jet Skier" and "nitwitt" are synonyms.
13. Rocks are hard.
14. Real sailors don't need motors.
15. It's better to read about the storm than be in it.
Last growth spurt on March 4, 2008
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